Day 4, or: The Analysis Of Mistakes

Hey hey! =)

So, I haven't been able to take my measurements - yet. I already feel like my trousers are not as tight as they used to be around the belly, which is a good sign, I think, though! Today has been a bit of an up and down. Not weight-wise (I will only weigh myself around once a week), but right now or until a few minutes ago, I had really intense cravings to eat something. I don't even know WHAT my body was craving, but I assume it was just ravenousness.

The thing is, I realised that I don't drink enough water throughout the day. Which might be a reason why I did have the cravings. So I am thinking, maybe I will go and get myself a glass of water in a few minutes. Other tips were to drink black coffee (Which I never do. I don't like coffee at all.), or some unsweetened tea (Which I will give a go the next days, but maybe a bit earlier than right now. It is 9.08pm, and to be honest, I cannot drink tea in the very-very-warm stage, it needs to have cooled down a bit by the time I do drink it...), or to exercise (dancing, taking walks, etc.), get creative, or meditate.

I personally now decided to go drink some water. And I also read through my first entry, which really helped me re-focus. And whoom, just a few minutes later, and the hunger / cravings are gone. Almost, that is. :) I will be able to do this.

I know people keep saying it has to "be a very strong urge to change something for the better" that will bring about the change you want. As for me, I think it has clicked with me, too, but sometimes I still need to remind myself of some facts. Not just now but in general. I don't want to start hating on my body again, which is why I didn't dive into this any sooner. I know it sounds ironic, but when hating my own body, I don't give it credit for what it CAN do still, what it DOES to help me survive, etc. So I am not coming from a place where I feel like "ashamed" or "disgusted" by myself. But I know something has to change.

I know I could continue not paying attention to what I put into my body, and eat until I feel this pain in my stomach, because I cannot feel satisfaction at all anymore, and I do sometimes mix up the feelings of strong emotions with hunger, which could also be a reason why this craving happened. But even if I did, and continued gaining weight, I would maybe, in a foreseeable future, get either very ill, or I would lose my life. And I want to experience neither of those things.

You have to know, I have to take meds which I cannot substitute with something else, but they totally mess with my feelings of hunger / fullness. I remember during the first days, I did notice something was off, when I took the ones I had before that. I felt like a zombie and I could eat and eat and eat, and still feel so hungry afterwards that I thought I was going to die. The staff at the hospital then interfered and were really mad at me because I ate too much. They luckily decided to change the medication afterwards, but my current one... There is no chance I could substitute this, if I didn't want to slide down emotionally / mentally again. They tried putting me on two different anti-depressants a while ago, and I had really bad side-effects, so I decided to go back to my original meds. I know there has to be a way to get out of this hell; but it is not by abandoning my medication altogether and hoping I will not have anything that could happen because of the sudden stop.

I already take only 50mg of one medication instead of roughly 500mg (200mg in the mornings, 300mg before sleep) back then. So I consider this a win for me. I also don't want to just see the end goal. Sure this would be awesome. But right now, every step in the right direction is just that - a step in the right direction. And right now, even though today I have had those cravings, I now know some things I could do instead, which is awesome all by itself.

I also like to remind myself of some (other) goals of mine, which might be easier to accomplish with a healthier weight. For example, horseback riding again: Getting over my latent fear of horses would be an awesome thing to do. I used to go horseback riding weekly as a teenager, and I really got scared one moment when the horse I was riding just ran for it without any warning. I know it was something I have done wrong, but I was scared afterwards. Needless to say, I hadn't done this sport in quite some time, and right now, I am honestly said scared I might be too heavy for a horse. So I want to first maybe dive into some other sports or do them more often, and help my body in the long run. Once I reached a weight which allows me to do horseback riding again, I of course want to start again.

But that's only one reason, of course. I have many, many more.

Much love!